Hell On Earth > Insanities > Drunks In The Avengers Movie

Drunks in Hollywood: The Avengers

How could such an appalling movie ever be created? How come that an Oscar-winning actor such as Sean Connery would turn in such an abysmal performance? How could an Academy-Awards-nominated thespian such as Ralph Fiennes come off as such a fop?

As with the movie "Con Air", careful freeze frame analysis of the movie revealed all the actors, with the possible (but improbable) exceptions of Fiona Shaw and Eddie Izzard, being quite drunk during the proceedings. This doesn't excuse any of the atrocities this movie forces on its public, but it sure explains a lot. The evidence is all here:

ralph fiennes, drunk (5k)

Ralph Fiennes

"My name is Steed, John Steed. And I'm quite stirred, not shaken. Why oh why didn't they pick me instead of that Brosnan guy? It must be my nose. Can drive a man to drink, that."

uma thurman, drunk (6k)

Uma Thurman

"How now, brown cow. No, seriously, that's one of my lines. Not for this scene, though -- but who gives a flying... never mind. Waiter! The next one with less ice and more of the good stuff!"

sean connery, drunk (7k)

Sean Connery

"Since I must have been drunk when I signed up for this movie, I sure as hell have a right to keep drinking over the course of the whole movie."

jim broadbent, drunk (5k)

Jim Broadbent

"I don't get any action in this movie. I get to lie in the snow, smoking. Doe-eyed looks from the secretary, that's all I get. Mrs. Peel keeps eating my macaroons. And I have dandruff. I... where's that bottle?"

fiona shaw, on speed balls (6k)

Fiona Shaw

"Drunk, me? Not bloody likely. On crack, yes, but not drunk. Not me. As for my dealer... I'd tell you but you'd have to be bloody blind not to see him. Who in the cast has a long and torrid substance abuse history? Yes, exactly. That one."

eileen atkins, drunk (5k)

Eileen Atkins

"Some days, I get to work. On other days, I get roles like this. When I think of what Sir August de Wynter did to me after his henchman knocked me out in his castle, I just want to drink to forget. Since I still remember, quite obviously I haven't drunken enough yet. Where's that cask?"

keely hawes, drunk (5k)

Keeley Hawes

"Voodshoo like to-huh repeat-t-t the queshtion, pleashe? It had shomeshing to doo vith olcohol-l, shat much I remember."

shaun ryder, on e's (5k)

Shaun Ryder

"No, I have no idea where Mrs. Shaw got her crack. Just because I'm a famous drug-case, that doesn't mean... oh. I see. You have money. What do you want?"

The defense rests.

Apparently, that's how Hollywood blockbusters are made these days -- a keg of beer for the guys, a cask of Amontillado for the gals and a drug pusher amongst the extras. It's called movie-making the Jerry Bruckheimer way.

>> Read a review of The Avengers
>> See the colored Teddy Bears of The Avengers
>> See the visual highlights of The Avengers
>> See the Flight Of The Metal Bumble Bees of The Avengers

>> Drunk On The Set: The Main Cast of Con Air
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(All images on this page are from the movie The Avengers, © 1998 by Warner Brothers, an AOL subsidiary. Used for satirical purposes only; no copyright infringement is intended. The images were cropped a bit, but otherwise remain unaltered.)
Text & Image Editing © 2000 by MOATMAI.

Hell On Earth > Insanities > Drunks In The Avengers Movie