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Front door | Enterprise Computing

Category Enterprise Computing

Gates Kills Himself Over Windows 98
By MOATMAI
Special to HNET HellOnEarth.com
April 1, 1998, 04:01 a.m. PT

Microsoft Chairman Bill Gates today shot himself during a live TV broadcast. The Windows 98 development team soon followed their leader's example.

In a dramatic turn of events, Microsoft CEO William Gates III today committed suicide ten minutes into a live press conference.

Gates, whose personal fortune was valued at about 47 Billion US-$ shortly before his death, had invited numerous press officials from all major media in order to make a "very important announcement" on the heels of the lawsuits filed on Monday by the US Department Of Justice and 20 US state attorneys general.

"For Microsoft, it is extremely important that consumers receive the best Windows experience we can provide," Gates began his speech. "The frivolous lawsuits filed by the Department Of Justice and the state attorneys are trying to stop us from including the best possible browsing experience in Windows 98 through our award-winning Internet Explorer product."

Microsoft's CEO continued: "Apparently the Justice Department has decided to viciously destroy our developer's efforts to integrate Web technologies into our operating system."

At this point it became obvious that Mr. Gates was personally touched by the recent incidents. With increasing intensity, he proclaimed: "These lawsuits have obviously been engineered by our competitors."

"[They] are manipulating the attorneys general at the cost of the consumer's right to the latest and most advanced technologies available on the market today. It may be true that with Windows 98, our browser is embedded so deep into the operating system that customers will not have any choice but to use Internet Explorer."

Gates continued: "However, numerous usability studies on this very campus with paid volunteers have shown that customers don't want choice, they want ease of use and that means a Windows 98 operating system with fully integrated Internet functionality! This lawsuit jeopardizes this very important goal!"

Perspiring noticeably, Bill Gates exclaimed: "It is as if Coke was forced to ship four cans of Pepsi in every six-pack!"

Microsoft's founder paused: "No, that's not it. It's..." Then, he stuttered: "It's, it's a, as if, as if you were forced to order Chinese takeout at, at McDonald's!"

The CEO's voice broke and he paused. Then he raised his fist high about his head and stated: "Windows 98 is it!"

Suddenly, Gates pulled out a medium-sized handgun, mumbled something about wishing to apologize for any damage done and that he couldn't live with this situation. Quickly, he stuck the barrel into his mouth. Before anyone could react, the Microsoft CEO pulled the trigger, splattering his brains all over the walls and the podium.

Following the incident, half a dozen cameramen simultaneously tried to leap onto the small podium in order to get a "clear shot" of Bill Gates' corpse in close-up. The press conference was broadcast live over C-SPAN, NBC, ABC, CBS and other networks into millions of American households.

As news of the suicide spread like a wildfire across the Microsoft offices in Redmond, Washington, the buildings fell into a comatose state. Half a hour after the incident, the silence was broken by gunshots coming from the part of the campus reserved to the Windows 98 core team.

Local authorities rushed to the scene only to find 78 of the present 80 core team programmers dead. All of them wore plain black clothes and tennis shoes. Their T-shirts were embroidered with a bloodied Windows 98 logo.

A police source revealed that more than half of the dead appeared to be castrates. A Microsoft employee who asked to remain unidentified confirmed that self-castration or testicle removal by a project supervisor was not entirely unusual amongst core teams in order to suppress carnal impulses which might distract from the purity of the code.

Members of the USB coding team were found to be very recent castrates.

When asked for a statement, the Chief of the Department Of Justice's Anti-Trust Division, Joel Klein, responded dryly: "It is a terrible tragedy. The lawsuits will go on, of course."

Marc Andreesen could not be reached for comment. Andreesen, vice-president and cofounder of Netscape Communications, makers of an obscure web browser called "Netscape Navigator", is rumored to have been instrumental in pushing the antitrust case into the courts with documents Microsoft officials hold to be "completely false and made up" (in the words of Microsoft vice president Steve Ballmer).

Gates, 42, leaves behind a wife and two children who will now have to live in a house whose much-needed software upgrade may never come.

Story Copyright © 1998 HellOnEarth.Com. All rights reserved.

Related news stories
• Bill Gates alleged to have stored his brain waves in Windows NT server array April 1, 1998

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